Law of the Universe #4: Labeling positives reinforces them; labeling negatives diffuses them.
Contextual intelligence
You learned in the last lesson that labeling positive thoughts and dynamics reinforces them. Labeling negative thoughts and dynamics diffuses them (or in some cases the word “defuse” is appropriate as it avoids an explosion). We don’t know why this is... we just know it is. Grasping this is powerful.
It gives you the opportunity to look over what is being expressed by your counterpart and choose what direction you want to guide them towards. What they express and how they express it gives you a virtual buffet of choices.
“It sounds like it’s important to you to find just the right program match.”
This was the label that sealed the deal for a $5,000 donation. That label, enhanced by the several that came before, created the tipping point that established a bond of trust. A donor signed a check without even knowing where the money was actually going, a first for this professional fundraiser.
“It sounds like you’re not a big fan of sub-letters.”
This was the label that played a key role in opening up the conversation where a landlord (who was famous not allowing sub-letters and not renegotiating leases) renegotiated the lease and allowed a sub-letter.
Positive and negative: choose a side
Any thought or idea expressed by someone carries a preference of like or dislike intertwined within it. This like is what we refer to as a positive. Dislike, lack of appreciation, disdain for something, is what we mean by a negative. The positive or negative emotion intertwined in someone’s reaction is a clue to how they value it. Smart exchanges of value are the essence of negotiation.
You can even label indifference! Your counterpart’s reaction to that label will reveal more information about what they value or why the are indifferent.
Any passion, feeling, or expressed thought has both a presenting and an underlying emotional tone to it, both a yin and a yang, so to speak. The thought will be presented overtly either as positive or negative. You have a choice of which side you want to label. People who hate cheaters love fair play. People who are passionate about their business and its mission are somewhat indifferent or even disdainful of people who are apathetic to their company’s mission.
“It sounds like you hate sub-letters” could become “It seems like you like stability”.
Listening to what is expressed by your counterpart and breaking down the components in this fashion is what begins to slow time down for you without actually slowing the process down. What is happening is your ear and mind are working together it pick apart the components of what you counterpart is expressing to “read between the lines” and gather insights.
As part of your preparation process, consider and write down a summary of the situation as you know it. Then consider the predictable positives and negatives your counterpart is likely to bring to the table. Whether these predictables are reasonable or not, isn’t relevant. Prepare 3-5 labels in advance to deal with them.
Inoculate at the start
You can choose to use some of these labels preemptively, to effectively inoculate your counterpart from having a negative feeling. “This is going to sound harsh” is a great label to lead off with when you know your counterpart is going to have a negative reaction to what you are getting ready to say. You pause for a moment (a 3 second effective pause) and follow it with what you believe will be poorly received.
For whatever reason, people’s imaginations get so carried away they think of something really, crazy bad! Then whatever you follow up with actually turns out to be a bit of a relief! Every single time this label has been used, the response has been the counterpart thinks it over, shrugs their shoulders, and shrugs it off saying “That wasn’t that bad.”
Use this power preemptively and wisely. Maximize your contextual intelligence
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